i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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