Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
