Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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