I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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