Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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