Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
