I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
