Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have tasted many bathrooms
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
