He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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