I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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