Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
