you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
