there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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