He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
