What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
