Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
