if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
