Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
