if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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