Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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