Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
