I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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