So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
