I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
