Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
