The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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