one might say we're banned from that church
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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