Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
