She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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