sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
