Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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