I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize