Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
