my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
