I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
