Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
