I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just invented taco cereal.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
