he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
