We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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