bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
