I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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