I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
