Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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