I wish I could teleport
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
