it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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