What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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