He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
