i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
