if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
