yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
