Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
