Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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