I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
