Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
