my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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