oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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