Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize