my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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