Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
