I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
