we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
