R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize