I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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