Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We left an ass print on the piano.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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