I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
