He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i think my cat just said my name.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
