I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
