There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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