This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize