Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
