Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
