You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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