I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
