oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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