I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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