I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
