i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
