so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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