I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
