Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
